@Beatonm5 Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???
@living_marble Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
You Might Also Like
@Beatonm5 
@david8hughes [wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
@therealeatwood SATAN: Turn these stones into bread
JESUS: No
SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake
JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No
@squirrel74wkgn Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
@Darlainky *smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
@SatansTongue There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
“NOOO”
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
And HIV
“NOOO”
@1Happytwit I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
@khook32 Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.
@xLiserx Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
@KalvinMacleod GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems