Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases


The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”


Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.


My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.


[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.


If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.


Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.


“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story.”