Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
SATAN: Turn these stones into bread
SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake
JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems