@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

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@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@therealeatwood

SATAN: Turn these stones into bread

JESUS: No

SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

@SatansTongue

There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
“NOOO”
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
And HIV
“NOOO”

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@khook32

Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.

@xLiserx

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems