Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
The answer I didn’t know I was looking for
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*