Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
…..pretty much.
But wait…
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you