@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

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@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

@weenbeans

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

@Naked_Wombat

I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.

@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

@lgbk44

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own