Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

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[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty


Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*


There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.


I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.


Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*



I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.


The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.


the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own