Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.


*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.


For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.


Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk


Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.


Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not


[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,



*Very slight chuckle*


Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.


I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love