Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…