@Divergentmama

“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

@samuelhlowe

– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
– Do……you……want……to……have……sex?

@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun