@DeadLioness

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

- @DeadLioness

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@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

@LilyRoseLynn

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@koalaslament

I hope the next Rambo movie is called ‘Rambo No. 5’ and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

@fightforfood

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons