Oh thanks BBC.
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How high do the levels go?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.