Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story