[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.