Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?

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[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah


If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.


Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team


My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge


Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.


the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂


Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.