[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
guys i’ve cracked the code
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.