Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?