@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

- @leifromloihi

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@xLiserx

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

@Pro_Jones_

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@Darlainky

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

@arcadeseals

[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?