oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.