I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.
Is it the wind? Yes.
Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
my body: that’s not fried