@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

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@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@TheBoydP

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

@dimplesticks

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

@Douchekevin

Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying “My period is late”.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

@AverageCorners

My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

@NicestHippo

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

@tacsanitchiban

Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”

@andlikelaura

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried