@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

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@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@PickleRudd

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*