Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
You Might Also Like
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?