@lanyardtwerk

Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.

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@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@WryBry

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

@bmarked21

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

@hermanntrude

For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free