After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go
My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free