Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.