FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]
Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something
Me: lol ok whatever
Kid: *tiny cough*
Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA
Their fitness instructor is very short.
I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.
WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.