@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

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@Brampersandon_

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

@adamgreattweet

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

@ValeeGrrl

Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

@TheAlexNevil

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.