@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

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@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

@ElizaBayne

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@Darlainky

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”