Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

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Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”



ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that


customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you


I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.


[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not


Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.


If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.