Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Just grow your own
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
When a shoelace touches your ankle