Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*