Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.