Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

White Castle for the Win

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice