“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
another case of gang violins
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that