@BuckyIsotope

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

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@MarfSalvador

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

@GrandadJFreeman

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

@carlyken

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

@badbanana

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

@KhrisWarhol

McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.

@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

@OCDelight21

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.