You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[walks into 4D ultrasound office]
Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women
Me: I just want to see my burrito again
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?