@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

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@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@Sean_Burgundy_

The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

@dubstep4dads

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

@OhSweetCharity

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

@Mr_Kapowski

[walks into 4D ultrasound office]

Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women

Me: I just want to see my burrito again

@Ojasism

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?