Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.