@Big_Cat74

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

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@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@Beagz

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

@maybe_jenna

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

@thejamietighe

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

@RepoMan_617

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@junejuly12

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

@CrowsFault

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@juneohara65

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.