Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You Might Also Like
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
just got my engagement photos
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26