“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Butt weight. There’s more!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends