@Miniwheats2012

Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.

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@Bob_Janke

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

@MissHavisham

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

@MarfSalvador

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

@eff_yeah_steph

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.