DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I can’t stop watching this.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Thursday
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.