Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.