“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream