oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe