Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name