@Dong_Hanger

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

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@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@JessObsess

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@JaneBadall

My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.

@Freak0nIine

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

@sad_tree

Snake: eat that apple
Adam:nah
S:u scared
A:no
S:lol u scared
A:
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

@BoogTweets

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN