Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game


Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.


Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler


I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way


My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.


Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.


Snake: eat that apple
S:u scared
S:lol u scared
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop


SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!


SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff


Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN