I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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people: u should smile
me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
Cop: Get out.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me