@Dong_Hanger

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@tinatbh

people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@NicestHippo

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

@CantWaitToNap

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@iwearaonesie

my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me