Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
wtf is a larm clock?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
What if the weather talks about us?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.