@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

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@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

@mom_tho

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@Aspersioncast

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit

@WittySassBasket

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

@NicCageMatch

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@ABurgerADay

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.