“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.


My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers


Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.


Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.


*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*


I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’


Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.


You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.


Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.