“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast


*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???


Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.


My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.


If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter


I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.


My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned