@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

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@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

@sixfootcandy

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

@mstern68

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@deegeemindi

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned