Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon