@earnestaugust

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@HowToBeADad

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

@ABurgerADay

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.