[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
any last words?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer