Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
won’t smith
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days