Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Goodnight 🐶
“I FIXED IT!”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Life hack
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD