Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀