I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[eulogy]
line?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”