@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

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@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin

@AndrewNadeau0

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

@PimpleEye

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

@Angibangie

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS