Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?
Here, hold this grenade.
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Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
*puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS