Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Good morning y’all ☀️
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
What?!?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.