[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
*Lowers raised hand.
Where’s the nearest cycle path you meant?
Thought you said psychopath.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
911 what is your emergency?
Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”
911: “stay calm ma..
Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*breathing* this should burn my whole face off