@XplodingUnicorn

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@Lord_Smirnoff

*Lowers raised hand.

Where’s the nearest cycle path you meant?

Thought you said psychopath.

@shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@Amazon_Blonde

911 what is your emergency?

Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”

911: “stay calm ma..

Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

@murrman5

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something