Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs