Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.