@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

You Might Also Like

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@crylenol

Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs

@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@caperbc75

*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!

@KalvinMacleod

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.