Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend