oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Why I divorced her.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY