@holypurgatory

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

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@GrantTanaka

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.

@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

@EmmyStar79

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@sidleykate

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

@behindyourback

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense