“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER