My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out