My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
secret recipe
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Terribly Tuesday.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.