Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
i actually laughed 😩
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?