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@kumailn: "Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops." - Game of Thrones
@usermcuserface: Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.
@JohnLyonTweets: Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
@1Bad_Scientist: Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?"
"Well usually they have a nice set of ti-"
Wife: "Shut it."
"I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."
@TweetPotato314: mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital