@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

- @kumailn

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@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

@cornax

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@perrypotters

Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.