@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

- @kumailn

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@daemonic3

911: what’s your emergency

me: i think a girl gave me a fake number

911: omg who answered when you called it

me: you did

@birbigs

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

@ElKnuckelhombre

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@scharpling

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

@DanMentos

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.