One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The opposite of goth is stopth.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.