Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.


JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*


Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.


hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER


[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5


Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first


Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.


My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?