@JenAshleyWright

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

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@SentenceReduced

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

@truegritrumble

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@jordan_stratton

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@GoFrankGo

Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.

@ahhhpatrick

My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?